Bringing back your own self to who you were a year back or just a couple of months ago, trust me it is something as difficult as believing that you can ride a bull. well yeah.
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I feel sometimes that I’m loosing it, that firm grip seems to be loosening and I feel so terrible at times that I don’t wish to smile at myself in the mirror. I’ve broke down every night and at times wanted to break down in front of the whole wide world because I felt just DONE with whatever is happening, and have happened. I pushed people away who could possibly be caring about me, I pushed away my mom, my 2 best friends and my boyfriend so hard. I suddenly wanted to become that old selfish chap who simply just doesn’t give a shit about what others have to say about my choices of how I wanna live my life. I was wrong.By the time i realised what I did, I saw that it’s too late to make it up to everyone. I realised I’ve betrayed and cheated on all those important people of my life who never wanted me to go away. I’ve cried days and nights. I had my eyes swelled up to hell, I stopped taking care of myself. I wish someone had slapped me hard and stopped me from building up that dreadful situation for everyone. (well I wouldn’t have listened to them too).
I still tried to pull them all back to me, My Mother was the first one to hold my hand and let me fall into her arms no matter how much I’ve hurt her, she has not (till date) mentioned that to me how bad or broken she felt, she loves the most today. then I tried making up to my boyfriend who I love, I thought he’d never want to see my face again. But I tried, I thought if I love him, he might also have same feelings for me somewhere in the corner of his heart. well, we ended up gettingback together. And I’m soon bringing my ONLY two best friends back soon. It’s not a mission that I’ve got to accomplish, but something that my heart wants (it’s not a bad thing to follow what your heart wants)
Can i tell you something ? I think it’s perfectly alright to feel blown away. And why is that ? because you are no god or some heavenly angel who forgets or makes no mistakes or does not end up regretting the stupid decisions made in the past life. Whatever you did shouldn’t really affect what is to come ahead in your life. Just believe that you’re one of those individuals who had the privilege to experience such feelings and were able to face those situations which are not really common, yes? .After this, don’t think like “why only you?” , maybe there’s something more to it, you just have to look for that little spark in the dark.
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Me ? yeah, I’m one of them, who didn’t really made the right kind of choices (well who does) and had the happiest times of my life ( life has phases, it’s normal). I’ve been one hell of a stupid and idiot and jerk and a selfish bitch of all times (that’s a lot to take in )
I am not one of those persons who really cared about others. I always wanted to do things my way and to reach there, I’ve lost a lot. Somethings unwantedly and some of them I simply kicked away.
There are times when you should not act or try and give meaning to what’s happening. There are times when you can just let it pass and wait for the right moment or wait for the right way to come out of it. But if you can’t, do not push things to happen. They get worst. Then there’s no turning back, and obviously you’re too afraid to turn around and look back or atleast have a bit of sneak peak to what mess you’ve made out of your own life. You don’t feel like facing all that.
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Still, you wait. You think. You analyse what all you did wrong. You still don’t feel like giving up. You want to set things right for yourself and for all others who were affected. (I’m working on it)
Loving yourself for who you really are is difficult but not impossible. It’s simply a way of telling yourself that STOP being a douchebag now, get up and go set things right.
‘You’ve got to be insane enough today to accept all your stupid mistakes of the past’, I did.
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Brave and Beautiful, Yanika Singh. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
She is a budding blogger and I’ll suggest you to stop by her blog to read more for her stories!💗 Yanika Singh Blog
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Keep sending me your amazing stories for the Love Yourself Campaign. It will be up on the blog, surely! I need more of you to join i had with me for self-empowerment.
DM me on instagram or message on Facebook. You can also mail me at aanchaltriveditk@gmail.com
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The Gypsy Panda 