Wrapped up in my own arms,
With a dead stare on my face.
Why and How do I end up in this position always?
Shaking and sweating in a cold, dark room,
‘Easy ways to kill yourself’,
Googled an hour ago.
*Is that a knock on the door, I just heard?
Do I actually have a visitor?
Haven’t I scared away everyone with my ignorance, yet?
Maybe it was the sound of the train passing by,
Or was it the imagination making a mockery of my desperation?
The door opens.
Ah, Today at my doorstep,
I have me,”friend”,
LIFE giving a personal visit.
Life: Why do you curse me every time you breathe? Calling on death, so dearly?
A: It could’ve have been a knife straight in my jugular vein,
but I chose a more subtle way,
for someone told me that,“suicides are mainstream. pretentious happiness is what makes you the shizz, ’cause everyone is already aware that everything sucks here.”
What else I could’ve done but not end, don’t you know that I am supposed to be influentially magnificent?
Like everyone else, I wore my mask to work, with a joker wide smile plastered across.
But that came at a cost, all the humor was lost.
Behind the fake, I seek an escape, a moment of disconnect,
from you, in the alcohol, I drink, the weed I smoke and the sleep,
that makes me,
forget it all.
Life: All? Even the love, joy…
A: …and all the other good illusions you fool us with.
Hah! No, but mainly, it’s the misery of the past, present and… I get chills every time I think about it; the future.
Is the sound made by my anxiety,
Tapping the gates of my chest furiously,
Ah, the silly girl forgets. It is not for you to see but for me to feel.
I cancel, cancel, cancel everything politely.,
“I am not well. Can we do this tomorrow, please?”
Choking with ill thoughts,
What if I am attacked by a lunatic again?
Or discover a new way, of how one can touch me inappropriately without my consent? Will I fail or be fat shamed?
Another day and I’ll once again choose to stay in bed,
away from the scares.
Life: Try to be comfortable with uncertainty. You’ll discover endless opportunities.
Everything scary that you’re running away from is just in your head. ‘Cause, whatever happens, happens for the best.
*sigh* “Always trying to be funny”, I thought to myself.
A: ‘Staying Alive’ by BeeGees,
Blasting on my headphones,
I walked down the road.
Little did I knew,
That a monster will be sent by…
He kicked me to the point of breathlessness,
Pulled my hair back,
And tried to smash a broken glass,
Right through my face.
I survived but I want to know, what was ‘best’ in that for me?
To walk not alone but more cautiously?
Life: Ah, first be thankful to me for that poetry in you. I can do some too;
Not always going to introduce you to the people you want.
Sometimes it is the people you need to meet-
To help you,
To hurt you,
To leave you,
To love you,
To gradually strengthen you into the person, you were meant to be.
Not a part,
You’ll have to understand and accept the whole of me.
A: What’s the purpose of all this?
Life: What you gonna do once ‘that’ purpose is fulfilled? Sit idle and contemplate?
A: …sitting idle and contemplating, are my two main activities, most of the days.
Life: but why?
A: ‘Cause I am depressed. Thanks to you.
Life: Thank yourself. You’re solely responsible for that state. Divine gift and destruction, both come from your own mind.
A: It’s all you, keeping it tough for me always.
since the age of 7,
I talked like them but the differences came in the appearance,
Teased and left out, I spent most of my childhood,
Standing in a corner of silence.
Molested at 10,
Fat shamed at 12,
And even today,
Check my DM,
and you’ll see,
Suggestions like,“fat thighs, join a gym.”
And creepy dudes sending dick pics.
Years and years suffered domestic abuse,
Through holidays, exams and other normal days too.
Faced Multiple failures,
tumbles in the financial race, too.
Rejected by one,
Cheated by the second,
Not love but hate found me in all the places.
I’ve lost my pet,
And a family member to your opposite.
So bruised by the past,
No wish to move forward.
Life: You are so comfortable, playing the victim of the past.
Merely existing like the majority.
Live in the present,
Giving that a shot?
A: You’re trying to be funny again but this is no joke.
my close ones from ending themselves,
I find myself standing in their four-year-old shoes.
Life: I recall you wishing that quite a more than few times in your 22 years.
A: But this time…
Life: You’ll still pull through.
Sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right.
Like how on one sad,
you decided to open your notebook,
to pen your emotions down,
A: My love for writing.
Life: And you know,
All the other examples,
that I can give you.
You have swum in the ocean, danced under the stars, kissed a loved one, and bought a smile on hundred others.
Being an outcast, made you more empathic,
Also, the most unique.
Your tummy hurt,
but from the endless laughs, you’ve had and will.
in both, tough and fine times.
Also, Helped and saved a life.
I can keep on going on,
For the list of the good things,
you did and happen to you,
is long and growing.
Get to know me as much as you can,
And enjoy the journey.
Now go and try to fulfill this ‘purpose’,
till your 90s.
A: Is it this simple?
Life: Yup, my bundle of conscious awareness.
This is the truth,
It sets you free,
but first, it pisses you off.
A: Did you just quote lyrics from a Rihanna song?
And I finally woke up,
From a dream,
that I needed for the reality.
A good play needs no epilogue.
You are enough,
That’s all you need to know.
And if you’re curious,
To know what happened next to me,
I didn’t go back to sleep.
But looked forward,
So that life can look back at me.
You and I, both have waited quite a long time for this blog post.
Writing is my way of survival.
When I first sat down to write this post,
It was difficult for me,
To strip piece by piece my emotions.
I had a lot of apprehensions about making this post public,
But I realized this,
That the most difficult stories,
Can be the most important ones that need to be heard.
I took a month and half a break from everything,
Not just my job but from most of my relationships too.
Ever since 9th grade,
I’ve always strived and worked hard for a better future.
When I turned 20, I was juggling college plus all the work that goes into growing a blog,
While dealing with shocks one after the other in that current present.
Never stopped, just brushed the feels away.
However, 2017 was the year when it all boiled out.
I mentally felt exhausted,
I stressed eat a lot,
My efficiency hit the bottom ground,
Which led to delay in everything.
Worse, I developed a bad case of Psoriasis, caused due to stress.
Several times I had to photoshop those red patchy scales in the pictures.
However, I didn’t stop and still tried to brush my feels away by trying to work.
I lost my phone on a trip and was forced to live without one for two days.
That is when it kinda of hit me…
I needed a break.
To my family, friends, and colleagues,
Who couldn’t get their phone answered by me,
The thing is that you can never expect anyone to truly understand how you are feeling ’cause what’ve experienced and all,
No one can save you,
I needed this break to not be just comfortable in front of the camera or the mirror,
But in my own mind.
Every day in this last month was spent just knowing my thoughts and emotions better.
The most liberating detox, perhaps.
Almost like, starting a new a life.
I won’t make big promises right now,
Just hope that you’ll guys be there to give your feedback,
On my upcoming content.
See Life like a journey on the ocean,
You’re the captain of your ship,
But at the same, you never know,
what you can expect.
Mermaids Or Sea monsters?
Friendly tides Or Hurricanes?
This post is titled, ‘a biography’, ’cause while you write, your life yourself,
the story can’t be formed without the people and other things,
that you can’t/ couldn’t control.
I’ll just quote some lyrics,
From a GORILLAZ song,
before the end,
“Watch me as I navigate, aha hah ha!”
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