You want to know what happens when one gets scared of being scared?
Well, imagine this situation: you are driving a car and you almost get in an accident. Your body becomes alert, your heart starts to race, but it slowly comes back to normal once your mind is aware that the danger is gone. Anxiety is having your mind and body in a state of alertness with no clue of what the danger is and how you can get over it. It’s an adrenaline rush of nervousness.
And it can happen anywhere, any time.
I could be sitting, perfectly fine, with my friends, having coffee and gossiping,
A moment of silence, and there it kicks in with just a single thought,
“Did I leave the gas on?”
Like a snowball effect,
my thoughts pile onto one another,
“God, I am so careless. > Everyone else here is smarter than me > my friends probably consider me immature > Am I a burden? > I should’ve stayed at home. “
But on the outside, I’ll just give you a nervous smile and try to avoid eye contact.
‘Cause I don’t want you to know that I get weak for reasons I myself am not clear about, sometimes.
So, I make excuses.
My friends and colleagues think I am lazy and rude,
But in reality, I was crying on my bathroom floor because of my panic attack.
People think that if my lashes are curled,
and my cheeks are intentionally flushed,
I don’t have no problem in life.
As if, you can be in pain only if you are bleeding or in a cast.
Anxiety is the demon others can’t see,
Only the person facing it can feel.
Some days are good,
Other days, I don’t even have the energy to do simple tasks like brushing my teeth.
Some days, answering a call or text is a step of bravery for me.
In this state, of anxiety,
I feel like every cell in my body is moving so fast that my veins will explode.
My head is like a volcano, overflowing with thoughts burning like lava.
I am not being ridiculous or dramatic.
Anxiety was with me since childhood.
That shy kid who never raised her hand,
Because she is scared that she will say something funny,
and the people around her will remember and judge her for that for eternity.
Anxiety turns my mind into a prison I can’t escape.
In that moment of uneasiness,
I wish that someone was here to hold me.
Or do I?
They wouldn’t understand.
“Relax. Everything is fine. God, is worrying a hobby for you?”
What do you think, we do this for attention or because we like it?
Just tell me it’s temporary,
And take me where the birds are chirping.
*This blog post is written to make you understand better what happens when one face’s anxiety. To those people, who face struggle with it, please remember that you are not alone. This is temporary and everything IS fine. In my next blog post, I shall share the tricks and advices, my father has given me for dealing with anxiety.
Get out of bed. Answer that call. Trust me, nothing will go wrong.