I feel angry.
I feel low.
I once again skipped an opportunity because of my crippling anxiety.
I woke up drained with the thoughts that I’ll have to get dressed and meet 50 other people.
What if they judged my outfit.
What if they could see behind my ‘trying to be all confident’ smile, the broken girl.
Of how shit scared and miserable I am.
I would rather just stay where I am, alone in my bed.
Where it’s safe & nothing happens.
– written sometime last year
I always take out my whirlwind of emotions on a piece of paper before I lose a piece of me.
Today, I want to share the emotions that forced me to discover the deeper meaning of life.
So here you go…
Last year, it was not me who lived. Who lived in disguise of me was a scared, hopeless & broken girl who almost gave up on everyone & everything. Her presence was so overpowering.
She interfered my normal life. Hindered my connections, both business & personal. Hindered my growth.
She used to stay in for days.
Her favorite activity was to dwell in the past & contemplate on how suck-y this “life” is.
She liked to sleep till afternoon & overthink till past 3 AM.
And whenever someone would try to reach her via a call or a message.
She would start to panic. Stopping me from replying by few mere lines, “It’s a mean place out there. Stay inside. Quiet.”
I would believe her in a heartbeat.
For a year she controlled me like a puppet.
But now I’ve finally realized this;
This girl, who by the way is known by many names; fear, depression,anxiety or foolishness.
The girl and I, this toxic relationship of ours had to end.
She won’t leave me,
Until I let go of my past & my fear for the future.
I’ve understood the pattern now. But eh, I’ll be honest, it ain’t easy to let go.
Our failures, mistakes, encounters with bad people & the bad moments,
All this leaves a crack in us.
This crack lets that girl in.
Whenever a slight inconvenience is caused, that girl comes in and makes a mountain out of the pit.
You’ll have to fill these cracks with your dreams, hopes & good people in life.
Cribbing & self pity is easy.
Doing the work & putting in the effort to see the good side of the life; that’s what is tough.
I do fail. A lot of times. I fall back into a sad state. The girl visits me and stays in for sometimes days, again.
But now I know how to battle her.
Here is what happens on my low days & how I deal with it:
Sharing an honest incident with you.
There was a project that I was really excited for. Unfortunately, it got cancelled. This is how my mind (aka the girl) reacted to it:
“It’s pointless to do anything in this life. People are mean. You’re gonna just fail. Give up already. Stay in bed and say eff off to the world.”
You know why? ’cause I still was in a bad hangover from my past. Funny thing no.
HERE IS WHAT I DID to overcome this:
1. Wrote down my past on a piece of paper and burnt it.
2. Accepted that Life has been harsh and it will be harsh in some way or the other in the future too.
3. Accepted that a moment, a place, a person or my thoughts are not controlling elements.
4. Went on soul searching, questioned & discovered myself.
5. Accepted my strengths & flaws, too!
6. Fixed my sleep schedule & eating habits. (your routine affects your mood in so many ways)
7. Whenever I would start overthinking, I would call my best friend up or go on a walk while listening to music.
You know why it’s so hard to get out from our bed in the morning? It’s because our mind tells us not to get out from the comfort zone and then it reminds me of all the bad in this world.
You are stuck, if you listen to your ‘comfortable’ mind.
You need to understand this, THINGS HAPPEN OUTSIDE OF THE COMFORT ZONE.
The minute you take control of your mind and it’s thoughts and tell it like; “YO! Past is gone, man. We know no shit about future. Can we live today? ’cause then this ‘today’ would be just another failed past in the future.”
Just get up from that bed, go out and live.
Here is one quote that makes me jump out of the bed everyday:
“If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment as a whole, don’t show them up by getting wasted. By getting depressed. By taking your own life.
If you really want to rebel against all of this, Then;
Out-learn. Out-Live. Be you. “
I’ll end this by saying this that God gives it’s hardest battles to it’s toughest soldiers.
If I can survive my past…
You know I sitting here, perfectly fine and writing this post. So…
I can definitely survive Today.
We’ll think about tomorrow, tomorrow. 🙂